Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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