If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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