It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
