I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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