So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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