Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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