When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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