oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize