There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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