Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
