She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
