im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
