addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
