so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
