you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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