i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
