I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
