Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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