she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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