she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Randomize
