meet me or not, i'm out of control
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
