yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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