He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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