This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize