i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
