I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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