I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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