I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
