Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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