he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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