I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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