My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
