Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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