Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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