non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize