Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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