On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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