every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
