yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
