already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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