he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
