What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
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