Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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