We won't sleep together?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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