WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
