I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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