I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
