Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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