I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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