im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
