Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
