No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
