dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
