my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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