I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize