Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
