Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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