I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
