I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
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