the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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