Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
