I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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