I accidentally had phone sex last night
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
