Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dignity is for republicans.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize